Given the divisive times in which we’re living, when we too often find ourselves talking at someone, rather than with them, reading Chuck Wisner’s book on how to have conscious conversations was a revelation.
While in any interpersonal conversation we know that, to some extent, what we say isn’t what someone else hears, it’s also important to acknowledge that often what we hear isn’t necessarily what someone is saying to us. The Art of Conscious Conversations lets us know how to recognize this tendency, decipher why this disconnect occurs, and take steps to remedy the unconscious aspects of our conversational give and take.
In describing how unexamined thoughts, assumptions, and judgments are responsible for dysfunction in conversations, the book delves into — and is arranged by — four central types of conversations in which we engage: storytelling, and collaborative, creative, and commitment-type conversations.
Starting with Storytelling,Wisner points out that our brains are “story-making machines, relentlessly monitoring what’s happening in the moment, correlating it with our lives’ experiences, and predicting what might happen next.” Our brains filter our perceptions and explanations through what we’ve experienced in the past. Left unexamined, these internal stories can keep us in mindless “nonproductive loops.”
Breaking out of this internal predictive process requires us to notice when negative thoughts surface, such as anxiety or anger. These are bellwethers that signal our need to investigate what background judgments are in play. This “thinking about our thinking” helps us uncover our habitual background thought patterns. In noting them, we start to shift our reactions so we can become more open to what we’re hearing and how we’re responding.
Wisner provides a useful, four-question process for illuminating what’s operating inside our minds. This involves asking: What are my desires? What are my concerns? What powerissuesare at play? And what rules and codes of conduct are shaping my judgments? For example, concerns can be useful if they’re helping us navigate trouble, but they can send us spiraling down if they let our fear take hold. Exploring what’s at the center of our concern will reveal what elicited the reaction.
Similarly, our reaction regarding power issues as we hear or tell stories can call attention to instances when we’ve become over-invested in being right and possibly shutting out others’ views. Or, conversely, whether we’re on the receiving end of this dynamic.
The discussion in the Collaborative Conversations section points to ways that, instead of simply trying to assert our own viewpoints, we can invite other’s viewpoints. For example, to promote Collaborative Conversations, we can “advocate for our perspective as an opinion rather than fact.” We can ask questions such as, “Are there other ways to think about this?” Or we can consciously become better observers and listeners to better outcomes.
To enable more Creative Conversations, Wisner advises paying more attention to our right-brain functions that give rise to new ideas and new ways of thinking, and de-emphasizing our left-brain thinking patterns that drive us to “defend our old stories and keep us in our comfort zones.” Creative Conversations involve moving away from me-centric communication and instead insuring inclusive conversations that promote the exploration of new ideas.
Finally, the Commitment Conversations section explores ways to better clarify our intent around requests, offers, and promises so that we avoid misinterpretations. It helps us examine how we can uncover and address concerns whether we’re on the asking or receiving end of requests.
Following each chapter, The Art of Conscious Conversations provides “Practices” that give readers practical tools for improving their conversational game.
In all, this important book offers valuable insights for better understanding and transforming how we converse — both with ourselves and others — so that we can better connect and find meaning through our conversations.
Learn more about the book and the author at chuckwisner.com.
Garth Thomas
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